Thursday, August 22, 2013

Goals, or the lack thereof

It may be a mid-life crisis. I've told told that by those I love and trust deeply. Not sure how that works, haven't done that before. Hopefully, it only happens once. But I need to dig myself out of this hole I seem to have dug myself into.

During this current period of personal crisis (which is usually a lot smaller than it's made out to be), I've been asked "So, what do you really want to do? Go do that."

The answer? After some long and deep reflection... I don't know. And thinking back, I don't know if I've ever wanted to do something for myself. My decisions and goals seem to more about where I don't want to be than where I do. Go to college (don't want to be in x job forever. Ironic, that one.). Graduate (Don't want to be in school anymore. Which was probably the easiest period in my adult life.). Get a job (Don't like empty pockets.). Get a different job (Run away from baggage.). Etc.

Even picking food and clothes. Unless there is some pre-determining factor, it becomes a process of elimination. No like this, no like that, I guess I do/get this.

And then, even when I initiate something, it is to enable others. Any self-enabling is a consequence of that. Build a system to let others work. Build a site to enable others to communicate more efficiently. Build processes so others can pick it up and run. Which is pretty tricky when the people it supports run an exception-based system. And when those in inmediate charge don't care

Maybe it's time I sling burgers. Food. Mmm...

Yes, it makes me happy when others are made happy, or at least less unhappy, by my labor. Or acquisitions. Especially if it means that they can keep going if I'm not there, for whatever reason. Which is an interesting conundrum, as the immediate need for me diminishes until something breaks. And we really don't want things to break, do we? Which usually happens when you are occupied working on " The Next Best Thing."

Sounds like I am working for accolades, huh? But the quiet "thank you" in passing in the hallway means a lot more to me than some company award/recognition. A "Thank you" hug from friends and loved ones is priceless. Being there for them is what I want. But the powers that wish to take things in other directions are getting in the way.

I guess my place in life support. Assist. Push others to their places. I can live with that.

But I am tired. Need to find another way. Maybe it is time to move on. If I can find a place to land...

This post took a while to write. Days. Weeks. So if it looks like a diary entry over time, it is. Like a weblog, sorta. If you got this far down the post, thank you for bearing with me.

No comments:

Post a Comment