Sunday, January 20, 2013

Thoughts on no thoughts...

So. I've been working on getting closer to that "quiet mind." Purely practical reasons; so I can go to sleep. Secondary reason; trying to get my diastolic down, supposedly because the heart needs to "rest."

So far, the difference between me trying to do it myself, and with "aid" is about 15 points of mercury. Or more. It's pretty dramatic.

But I had a lunch with a friend, and somehow the conversation strayed to the bottle. Specifically, how my consumption has increased from getting through a bottle over years, to nearly a bottle/month. And she gave me this look. Not an angry, or sympathetic, or sorry, or... I don't know. The look in her eyes said that I really need to address this.

To be sure, I have had more than a few very close friends try to steer me away from this "solution." They've been very polite, not trying to force it. Yes, they are all aware of my history. But this was the first time that I noticed a look like this.

I guess I should be looking for other means. Substitute, compliment, find a way to toss the crutch. Whatever. New year's resolution? No. How to set myself up for failure.

But. Working on it. Breathe. Relax. Clear the mind. I can get that far. Then other things intrude. I am a "stream of consciousness"type, so a stray thought leads to another stray thought, then chaos, and I am freaking out. I should be a writer, the thoughts that stray into my head would make a pretty wildly disjointed storyline.

Except all thoughts invariably lead back to what has been tapped, in the interim, as a cause of my frustrations. Maybe I do need a psychologist after all.

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