Transition

I usually have a nifty anchor image. But I haven't been doing "real" photography for years. Well, I have been using my phone. And, occasionally, the big camera comes out for those that I give a shit about. An ever shrinking group. But yeah...

I usually have a nice opening statement, positive and forward-looking. But I am not feeling that.

This will be a year of transition. I have already found that my PC (politically correct) bucket is pretty dry. I have been saying things that I never thought I would say, out loud. And it will get worse.

I think the velvet gloves have come off. No more nice, everyone is a fucking adult. Fucking handle it.

Work-wise, moving away from the work I've been doing for the last 20 years. Back to office work. Dealing with people. With unique issues. Unique personalities. And, unlike machines, I can't yell, scream, cuss at, or kick them. That would be bad. So I need to learn how to deal with humans.

Humans. You know, I expressly avoided retail, just so I could avoid them. But, at least, there is a degree of anonymity. You are the non-person tasked with catering to the customers wishes. Process them through. They walk away happy. Next.

Not so much with back-office work. You see the same humans, in an endless circle. When you get a call from them, the autonomous thought is, "Now what?". You have to develop relationships, cater to the individual, be their go-to answer guy, sounding board, leash puller, wall to stand behind when they have to give answers they don't understand. To be sure, there are a few bright lights out there, but they are few, and disappearing quickly.

On the other hand, I need to be the "expert." They are looking for pat answers. Which I really loathe. I am attempting to lead them through the thought process, whether it is just to be a sounding board so they can hear themselves think (I can very much deal with those!), or those that need direction and/or hand-holding (I am concerned about those). Rather old school; we all had access to the same shit, we should all be thinking the same way. I am very concerned, And rather stressed.

I really hope that I can fulfill the duties I need to due, beyond the fucking job description. Because a loved one's sanity is involved. Major reputations.

On top of all of this, a certain dumbass (been designated DA, by agreement) is making life very complicated.

A bright spot. My drinking levels having dropped. A lot. On the other hand, my blood pressure is cranking pretty hard. Body happy, head explodes. So much for that. Hopefully, not at a "bottle a week" rate.

You find out who you actually give a fuck about. Who you love. By the amount the blood pressure rises when you see them in distress. And I have found out I have a very small group. And they have been under stress. Under attack, actually. And I have been turning purple. And I will love these people no less. I will be there for them. Hell or fucking high water.

I don't know if I will make it out of this year alive.

In any case, those that in that small circle.... I LOVE YOU. I will die before critical mass happens to you.

Escaped!

No longer doing I.T. for this employer!

Well, sort of. Transitioning back to my former existence. Like in 20 years ago. Damn, wonder if I can find that part of the brain in the back of the freezer. And I have to work with...people. *Shudder* Actually have some doubts on whether or not I can do this.

Still got lots of baggage to drag around for the next year. And it will be painful to sit back if situations arise that could have easily dealt with in the now prior life. Have to learn to let go.

And it's not like no technology is used in the office. It's how I fell into I.T. in the first place. "Show aptitude and die," as a now-retired co-worker used to say. And I actually enjoyed the work. Spreading the gospel of technology, and enabling co-workers. Felt like I was contributing where I could do the most good. Then the darkness came...

But, moving forward! Fresh attitude! 6 more years! I need to requisition a new brain!

Holidays, stresses, glimmer of hope

The holidays. A time for celebration. Fellowship. Friends & Family. I do hope you are all doing well, out there.

I. Am stressing. Wake up to 148/94. And I haven't even gotten out of bed, yet.

You see. We are in "project mode." It's constantly in the forefront of my mind. The deadline is all we are seeing in our vision. End of calendar year. Because of politics. It's okay. We'll make it. I trust my project manager, and she says we will.

Still. Me being the type that obsesses over all the "what ifs" and "oh shits." Over-thinking all the ways things could go wrong. I think I've done all I can to prepare us for foreseeable contingencies. It's the unknowns that have me tied up in knots. The unpleasant surprises. Finding out that those we thought we could trust to get it done, bailed. We've had enough of those to know more are coming. And the pleasant surprises, those that were questionable stepping up. And, of course, those we knew we couldn't depend on, but were hoping against hope, didn't disappoint. Through all, we've been able to deal, so far. Scrambled. Lots. But we hit our marks. 

Makes for a very bad rollercoaster ride. Which is why I believe I need to get out. Move on. Soon. Not yet sure how this will happen. There are some plans. But they are as set as hot Jell-O.

To be sure. I am grateful to be involved with the team I am currently slogging through the muck with. Everyone knows what they are doing, I really only have to be concerned with my areas of responsibility. Sad that this will be the last time through with this group. We are breaking up after this. Because reasons.

Looking forward. More projects. Hope there will be a little downtime, before hurling myself unto the breach, once again.

I keep telling myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just hope it's not the oft-mentioned oncoming train. Wait. Need to stay positive. That is the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it is.

Purpose

You ever find yourself in those "project from hell" moments. Where you wonder why you are even involved? Because all logic tells you this is doomed from the outset?

I am in one of those. But I am in it for the long haul. To the end. Because I believe so much in the lead. I would go to to war for this person. That good. That deserving of my loyalty. Damn the torpedoes!

I have worked with this person for over 20 years. We are pretty much work siblings. Onboarded months apart. Always admired. Tenacious. Brilliant. Complete. No stone unturned. And we've always clicked at work.

Now, in a really bad place. As project manager for something that, for all intents and purposes, is earmarked for failure. Covering someone else's undeserving ass. Not happening. Failure is not an option. This person that I admire so much will not let it happen.

It is the one thing that is keeping me going. If it is possible to love someone for the work they do, For the value they bring, For the example they set. This is the person. This is going to suck so bad. I may not survive this project. But I will try. For loyalty. For this person. Fuck everything else.

Semper Fi 

Oh, by the way...

In that state of inebriation where there mind is fully aware, but the body is, frankly, pretty floppy. Thanks to mobile technology, I can do this while prone. Haha. C'mon, thumb, don't fail me now...

Thanks to a valued member of my personal support circle, I announced to my employer my egress intentions, including the possibility of leaving said employer. It was difficult, given my age and service. Granted, those plans could change as conditions change. But, at this time, I committed myself to those points that I feel obligated to complete, before moving on. And, I  have yet to determine my career/life path beyond that. 

I promised I would tell my employer the rest of my plans as they solidify, starting with mulling over some offered options, this weekend. Yes, there is some stress involved. I am not yet of retirement age or service, so I am leaving things on the table. 

I have always considered myself a loyal employee. However, I have come to realize I am the beaten dog that keeps returning to its master, and master is is abusing that behavior. No more.

No matter what happens, I have to mention appreciation for those that have given me the strength to take this step. Thank you, very much. At the very least, no matter what happens, I am hoping there will be a shakeup of the way things are being done at this time.

I am but a mote. Yet, even a pebble can make an impression when tossed into a quiet pond. We'll see what happens.

Breathe...

I need to do this. Things that have happened over the last year, things that have happened in the last few months, things that are happening right this minute. Making me kinda nuts. So I need to step back and breathe. Slow down. Assess.

For the most part, I am one that operates best with information. So not a "whatever" person. The less holes in my data banks, the better. Because my head likes to fill those holes with wild imaginings. All the worst things that could happen would happen in my imaginings. Kinda need my steps between "here" and "there" planned out. Okay, maybe not every step. But planned, in any case. Because I really, REALLY dislike having to "make do." I do that, yes, but it annoys me to no end. Because I feel like I failed.

I know, it's not a failure to not get everything. But that is what I am. So, again, the more information I have, the better. I feel like I have my bases covered, and can deal with the 90%.

As it stands, I can only assume I have 50% or less of the information I need to feel kinda comfortable. Lots of "hole" to fill. Feels like I lack control. So I need to step back and breathe. Lots. Slowly. Deeply. Get ahold of what I do control, and hang on tight. But be ready to jump, as reality dictates that the only constant is change. Yeah. Head is screaming again.

Breathing...

Another leap

Leap of faith. Gonna try and do a digital download/upgrade of my desktop to Win8Pro from Win7Pro. As a technologist, it's something I need to do, if only to speak from experience, good or bad.

I am backed up. I do have a notebook on Win7, so it's not quite a blind leap. *deep breath* See y'all on the other end.

And "Temple of Syrinx" popped into my head, haha. Praying to the wrong gods...

---

Update: Upgrade finished. About 2.5 hours, for my stuff, which included migrating files, settings and applications. Not bad, if anxious.

This will take some getting used to. Just about all the applications I have are considered "legacy" to Windows 8, so it keeps hopping over to the what is now "classic" Windows 7 desktop. Rather annoying. And that whole Tiles thing? That's the Start menu taking up your whole screen. I still need to find out how to reach my Programs listings, since there is no longer a flyout menu system.

For those that are stuck in the Windows XP (or earlier) world, this transition is going to hurt bad. If you were considering a platform move, to OSX or some Linux distro, now would be a good time. It's that different from XP, like "falling off a cliff" different.

Thank you for being open at 5 in the morning!

One more time. I hope.

Early wake-up, so I can wake up the metal and silicone beasties before the hordes get in. Ms. Alice recommended chugging some coffee; I took the advice.

Didn't work, by the way. Having things ready before the hordes, I mean. Damn cooling was still tripping-out, couldn't chance it. Oh well. I did get some catch up processes run, so that was a good thing.

Finally got a basic system released for use around 0900. Didn't get the workhorse portion approved for release until 1600. Waiting for a message that says we need to shut it down again; all it takes is a few hours of fairly high heat, and POOF! All gone.

Wow, hadn't realize how long I hadn't stepped foot in a Starbucks...

Was out yesterday. Came in to find the server has still not recovered, either; the HVACs were down, and the servers were screaming, if not already dead.

Spent most of the day monitoring the server room, waiting for it to die. Come close of business, *BANG*, there is it. Run down to the server room floor; step out into the hallway ready to run to the room, when out of the corner of my eye,

Oh! Gotta get this! CLICK! Ooh, bonus!

Okay back to it. Kicked the breaker back on, let the boss'es know what's going on. Dreading an overnight shutdown, hoping the A/C works.

Hell, no. Kicks off 2 more times, 50 minutes apart. Amazing, like there's a little timer in there. We are down for the night, so I repeat the Monday morning early wake-up again.

Maybe another "zoom zoom" shot is in the offing? Or maybe this time, I will actually take out the big camera and point it at something interesting...

At least I got a dirty picture out of it.

Touching base...

Ah, haven't even looked for too long.

Um, work is getting even worse; "reality" has hit some people in the worst way, and I am not talking about lay-offs. It's amazing how stress can "unmask" the real person, and that can be really ugly. On top of that, once all that "fluff" is blown away, some people get really, um, "stupider" (is that a word?).

Others that wear their hearts and thoughts on their sleeves are actually doing better; nothing unexpected, what you see is what you get. I can only guess that they are really torn up inside, though. Those are the ones I worry about and feel most sorry for.

Head down, ears up, push forward...

Arggh!

Crap has been breaking left and right... but I still have a job, be as it may.

Think happy thoughts...!!!!

Interlude

It was a nice day to contemplate what we do have, and this is something that cannot be taken away.

*sigh* Back to it...

Looking for money...

Ah, the State of the State, and it's doom and gloom. Rather short of money, warm-bodies vs. programs, we swim or sink together, blah-blah, rah-rah.

I think they've stolen all the monies they can, and have squeezed more from where they can... time to cut. It is not going to be pretty.

A nod to the season...

It's the holidays!

Kinda lost my appetite for it, though; rather high-stress time for me, and nothing to do with shopping.
On top of that, I figure that a season named after a religious figure should not be so blatantly commercialized. Something not right there. For those that do the remembering what it is about, kudos to you.

Starting the Crazy Season...

It's getting into that time of year again...

Somehow, seemed to be able to deal with this a little better in the past. Am I bringing baggage forward, adding to the pile? Am I letting things get to me? Do I care too much? Should I?

One day, I hope I find out.

Feel like crap

Spent yesterday trying to catch-up on sleep; didn't work. Started packing gear for the Tuesday event at work.

Work up early this morning to deal with some off-cycle stuff at work; sleep cycle totaled again.

Hope I can do something tomorrow...

Dell is SO helpful (NOT!)

For those that have a Dell system, you probably know about the Dell Support Center. Gives you "helpful" hints, system alerts, etc.

Got a notice that there was an "Urgent" upgrade for the hard drive firmware (the hard drives local operating system). This is for my system drive; gut-check. Okay, we've done this before; download the right file, unpack it, read the instructions, install. Easy, right? Uh huh. Download the file, unpack it. No instructions. Check the site; it says to read the instructions contained in the download. Hmmm.

I am supposed to be a "knowledgeable" IT guy; I can do this! Don't need no stinkin' instructions! Plus, I'm a guy, so.... Create the CD from ISO, boot from the CD, it runs, and... OMG! "No recognizable boot device"!!! I can't start my system! Think, think, think! Try it again! Run the executable manually this time...

Hey, maybe if I shutdown and do a "cold-boot"... Voila! I have my system drive back!

I'm getting too old for this... What do the non-technical users do? I am thinking that it would be a bad time to call Dell about now; didn't want to talk to India anyway.

[edit: I should note that the fact they sent a notification out at all is helpful. They need to work on the execution, though, especially when it affects something that can permanently disable your system.]