Goals, or the lack thereof

It may be a mid-life crisis. I've told told that by those I love and trust deeply. Not sure how that works, haven't done that before. Hopefully, it only happens once. But I need to dig myself out of this hole I seem to have dug myself into.

During this current period of personal crisis (which is usually a lot smaller than it's made out to be), I've been asked "So, what do you really want to do? Go do that."

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The answer? After some long and deep reflection... I don't know. And thinking back, I don't know if I've ever wanted to do something for myself. My decisions and goals seem to more about where I don't want to be than where I do. Go to college (don't want to be in x job forever. Ironic, that one.). Graduate (Don't want to be in school anymore. Which was probably the easiest period in my adult life.). Get a job (Don't like empty pockets.). Get a different job (Run away from baggage.). Etc.

Even picking food and clothes. Unless there is some pre-determining factor, it becomes a process of elimination. No like this, no like that, I guess I do/get this.

And then, even when I initiate something, it is to enable others. Any self-enabling is a consequence of that. Build a system to let others work. Build a site to enable others to communicate more efficiently. Build processes so others can pick it up and run. Which is pretty tricky when the people it supports run an exception-based system. And when those in inmediate charge don't care

Maybe it's time I sling burgers. Food. Mmm...

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Yes, it makes me happy when others are made happy, or at least less unhappy, by my labor. Or acquisitions. Especially if it means that they can keep going if I'm not there, for whatever reason. Which is an interesting conundrum, as the immediate need for me diminishes until something breaks. And we really don't want things to break, do we? Which usually happens when you are occupied working on " The Next Best Thing."

Sounds like I am working for accolades, huh? But the quiet "thank you" in passing in the hallway means a lot more to me than some company award/recognition. A "Thank you" hug from friends and loved ones is priceless. Being there for them is what I want. But the powers that wish to take things in other directions are getting in the way.

I guess my place in life is...to support. Assist. Push others to their places. I can live with that.

But I am tired. Need to find another way. Maybe it is time to move on. If I can find a place to land...

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This post took a while to write. Days. Weeks. So if it looks like a diary entry over time, it is. Like a weblog, sorta. If you got this far down the post, thank you for bearing with me.

Oh, by the way...

In that state of inebriation where there mind is fully aware, but the body is, frankly, pretty floppy. Thanks to mobile technology, I can do this while prone. Haha. C'mon, thumb, don't fail me now...

Thanks to a valued member of my personal support circle, I announced to my employer my egress intentions, including the possibility of leaving said employer. It was difficult, given my age and service. Granted, those plans could change as conditions change. But, at this time, I committed myself to those points that I feel obligated to complete, before moving on. And, I  have yet to determine my career/life path beyond that. 

I promised I would tell my employer the rest of my plans as they solidify, starting with mulling over some offered options, this weekend. Yes, there is some stress involved. I am not yet of retirement age or service, so I am leaving things on the table. 

I have always considered myself a loyal employee. However, I have come to realize I am the beaten dog that keeps returning to its master, and master is is abusing that behavior. No more.

No matter what happens, I have to mention appreciation for those that have given me the strength to take this step. Thank you, very much. At the very least, no matter what happens, I am hoping there will be a shakeup of the way things are being done at this time.

I am but a mote. Yet, even a pebble can make an impression when tossed into a quiet pond. We'll see what happens.

An "easy" pizza roll, the hard way

A friend posted a recipe on my Facebook wall. Ostensibly because it had bacon in it. I seem to have a bacon reputation, for some reason. What got me intrigued was the 2 ingredient recipe for the dough.

This is the recipe she shared, via one of of those recipe sharing pages.

Bread Recipe: 2 Ingredient Bread

What is interesting in that it doesn't actually have the bread recipe in it. Haha. Perusing the page, I figured, I can do this. Enter roll of distant thunder...

First off, bacon. Wanted crispy bacon. Mushy bacon is a turn-off. Since it was to be baked in, I figured I should do it up enough so it would be crispy by the time it finished. So, I got my lard on...

Got that done and cooling. Commenced to the dough-making process. This one:

2-ingredient pizza dough recipe

Yes, pizza dough. I know, right? Anyway, turned to mixing and kneading. Forgot how sticky pizza dough was, dang it. In the end, I had a ball...

Worked it all out into something resembling a sheet. With lots of holes. Note to self; next time, double the recipe. And don't eat the yogurt before you make anything. And lots of bench flour; today was humid.

Covered it in the rendered almost crispy bacon and cheese. I chose cheddar, mixed mild and sharp. Lots of both. Yes, there are consequences to baking when hungry.

Rolled it up, and encountered consequence #1; no fit. Bacon and cheese falling out the voids in the dough that appeared all over. It was quite hilarious, or would have been if it wasn't happening to me. Lots of potholes being repaired as the rolling happened.

Then, the cutting step, and consequence #2. Dang bacon is hard to cut! Looks like something out of Monsters Inc. << This will so date the blog, haha.

Popped it in the oven for the prescribed time. Had to go another 5 minutes to get the color. The final calamitous product is at the top of the page.

How did it taste? Think pizza crust stuffed with cheese and bacon. Bacon needs a finer chop. The flavor balance was on the salty side. Next time, if there is a next time, use mozzarella in the mix. I can see pepper working, too.

Thank you for bearing with me on my catastrophic journey in the kitchen.