Transition

I usually have a nifty anchor image. But I haven't been doing "real" photography for years. Well, I have been using my phone. And, occasionally, the big camera comes out for those that I give a shit about. An ever shrinking group. But yeah...

I usually have a nice opening statement, positive and forward-looking. But I am not feeling that.

This will be a year of transition. I have already found that my PC (politically correct) bucket is pretty dry. I have been saying things that I never thought I would say, out loud. And it will get worse.

I think the velvet gloves have come off. No more nice, everyone is a fucking adult. Fucking handle it.

Work-wise, moving away from the work I've been doing for the last 20 years. Back to office work. Dealing with people. With unique issues. Unique personalities. And, unlike machines, I can't yell, scream, cuss at, or kick them. That would be bad. So I need to learn how to deal with humans.

Humans. You know, I expressly avoided retail, just so I could avoid them. But, at least, there is a degree of anonymity. You are the non-person tasked with catering to the customers wishes. Process them through. They walk away happy. Next.

Not so much with back-office work. You see the same humans, in an endless circle. When you get a call from them, the autonomous thought is, "Now what?". You have to develop relationships, cater to the individual, be their go-to answer guy, sounding board, leash puller, wall to stand behind when they have to give answers they don't understand. To be sure, there are a few bright lights out there, but they are few, and disappearing quickly.

On the other hand, I need to be the "expert." They are looking for pat answers. Which I really loathe. I am attempting to lead them through the thought process, whether it is just to be a sounding board so they can hear themselves think (I can very much deal with those!), or those that need direction and/or hand-holding (I am concerned about those). Rather old school; we all had access to the same shit, we should all be thinking the same way. I am very concerned, And rather stressed.

I really hope that I can fulfill the duties I need to due, beyond the fucking job description. Because a loved one's sanity is involved. Major reputations.

On top of all of this, a certain dumbass (been designated DA, by agreement) is making life very complicated.

A bright spot. My drinking levels having dropped. A lot. On the other hand, my blood pressure is cranking pretty hard. Body happy, head explodes. So much for that. Hopefully, not at a "bottle a week" rate.

You find out who you actually give a fuck about. Who you love. By the amount the blood pressure rises when you see them in distress. And I have found out I have a very small group. And they have been under stress. Under attack, actually. And I have been turning purple. And I will love these people no less. I will be there for them. Hell or fucking high water.

I don't know if I will make it out of this year alive.

In any case, those that in that small circle.... I LOVE YOU. I will die before critical mass happens to you.

Holidays, stresses, glimmer of hope

The holidays. A time for celebration. Fellowship. Friends & Family. I do hope you are all doing well, out there.

I. Am stressing. Wake up to 148/94. And I haven't even gotten out of bed, yet.

You see. We are in "project mode." It's constantly in the forefront of my mind. The deadline is all we are seeing in our vision. End of calendar year. Because of politics. It's okay. We'll make it. I trust my project manager, and she says we will.

Still. Me being the type that obsesses over all the "what ifs" and "oh shits." Over-thinking all the ways things could go wrong. I think I've done all I can to prepare us for foreseeable contingencies. It's the unknowns that have me tied up in knots. The unpleasant surprises. Finding out that those we thought we could trust to get it done, bailed. We've had enough of those to know more are coming. And the pleasant surprises, those that were questionable stepping up. And, of course, those we knew we couldn't depend on, but were hoping against hope, didn't disappoint. Through all, we've been able to deal, so far. Scrambled. Lots. But we hit our marks. 

Makes for a very bad rollercoaster ride. Which is why I believe I need to get out. Move on. Soon. Not yet sure how this will happen. There are some plans. But they are as set as hot Jell-O.

To be sure. I am grateful to be involved with the team I am currently slogging through the muck with. Everyone knows what they are doing, I really only have to be concerned with my areas of responsibility. Sad that this will be the last time through with this group. We are breaking up after this. Because reasons.

Looking forward. More projects. Hope there will be a little downtime, before hurling myself unto the breach, once again.

I keep telling myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just hope it's not the oft-mentioned oncoming train. Wait. Need to stay positive. That is the light at the end of the tunnel. Yes, it is.

Skeletons

In the closet. Criminies. Door frame is creaking...

Participant Observation

There is a danger to getting intoxicated, then interacting socially. Especially online. You will say what you mean, and mean what you say. And, thanks to the likes of Google, it is saved forever in the ether. Or in the minds of whoever you were tslking to.

This is a good and bad thing. If you are open and truthful, keeping no secrets, then you will be more so. If you hide behind a mask, and/or keep secrets, then the facade drops, and locks opened. The truth with be revealed.

So the saying "truth in a bottle" holds. At least for me. I have skeletons. And thoughts that really should not see the light of day. Scary. Since most of my social interaction is online. Like this post. Ha.

Rather frightened of what drunk people will say about me. I hide under many layers. Anxiety does that to you. I think, I hope, I am slowly peeling away the layers. Trying to to deal. It is hard. Mind is always cranking up new worst-case scenarios. Grateful for friends. Real ones. The ones that may not understand, but they are there for me anyway. Love them.

I hsve been told that I am a good writer. I guess I have an imagination, sufficient education and life experience, to translate my brain into words. From grade school through college. Even had a professor offer to co-write a book. Still not sure about that. Don't know what to write. Pretty much my life story. "Don't know." "Not sure." "Who am I?" What do I do?"

Crap. What was I trying to say? I forget. Gah! Next stage of my life story. Oldness.

 

Also. Your spelling gets better. You type slower. Just saying.

P.S. There should be an ordinance. Writing under the influence.

P.P.S. This started out intending only to write the 2 paragraphs. What happened?

P.P.P.S. Don't proof under the influence. The letters move, and it's a buzzkill.

Riding it out

You can ride out the storm if you are passionate about what waits for you on the other side.

Keep telling myself that. Yeah...

Remember. Honor. Respect

As I watch the car races, baseball games, playoffs, grilling suggestions, and faces relieved to see a long weekend (happy is good!), I pause to reflect on why we get to to do this. Why we are here. Why we are still here.

We are. A nation of immigrants. Very few get to say they are "native."

We are. Workaholics. We are working, or thinking of work, for much of our waking hours. Even if we don't think we are. Burning our candles at both ends.

We are. A nation that enjoys its pastimes. Many of our highest paid non-Cxx individuals are in the entertainment industry.

We are. Young. Very young, in world history. And we often act like it.

We are. Myopically individualistic. We often don't play well with others.

We are. Entitled. We take things for granted. Someone else will provide. We often think we are owed, demand, instead of continuing to earn our place in the world.

We are. Rich. We have things, as a group, that some others can only dream of.

We are. Paying it forward. Helping the next group move forward. Sometimes, against their wishes. Yeah, have to think about that one.

Yeah. We are pretty out there as a nation.

We are. Very strong when together, very formidable when angered.

We need to remember, always, that we get to do what we do, get to have what we have, because of the "human shield" we have put around ourselves. The shield that pays the price when our liberties are attacked from the outside. That pays the price when our leadership is lacking, and they are starved of what they need to do the job they volunteered for, to put themselves in harms way when the call is made.

Today is the day to remember those that payed the ultimate price.

Not to forget those that have died the "little deaths." Those that are scarred for life, in body and/or soul, be it in battle or by loss of a loved one.

But this day is for those that have died in service of this country. Honor and respect their memory.

And smile. That's what they would have wanted.



Semper Fi. Once and forever.

Timeout! Go stand in the corner!

Last week was one of those weeks that didn't let up on the triggers, to the point of being extra-chippy. On the advice/cajoling/prodding of a co-worker, I took last 2 days off. It was some time later that I realized that this would be the first extended (read: more than a 3 day weekend) planned time off since a certain event. And the anniversary of that event. So, thank you for the kick in the butt, co-worker friend!

---

First day was a holiday. Spent it sleeping, mostly. Yeah, I'm a cheap vacationer. Which is probably a good thing, since I'd probably go overboard and be in forever past retirement debt. Frankly, I've had so little practice taking time off, seems I've forgotten how. I'm not a very spontaneous person, not that "Let's go! Okay!" type. Especially when you're low on "Let's go!" funds. Have to plan my spontaneous moments. Oh, well.

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So, on the fo'real kine first day off, I just did some neighborhood things. Like revisit an old eating place. Took a camera this time. A rather old one. I made ugly pictures with it. Of old places with old signs. But it was interesting to try. The small-kid times memories were good

Oh. When I was shooting the L&L Drive Inn sign, a guy walked by and asked what I was doing. He then did a short history of the place (former Liliha Bakery) and that the odd lot was that way because it used to be the trolley turnaround. Yay for living history lessons/reminders.

L&L Drive Inn, Liliha St, Polaroid 350 Land Camera

Jane's Fountain and Marukin Market, Liliha St, Polaroid 350 Land Camera

Went back to an old neighbor eatery. Been sometime last century, like in the early 80's, that I last went there. Probably a good thing I stayed away, or I may have been recruited by Rod Tam. Oy.

The food was good. Enough that I need to go back and remember some more. Like, I need to work my way through the nabe menu. Crap, I made myself hungry.

Yagura Restaurant, Liliha St, Polaroid 350 Land Camera

(I really do need to practice this photography thing. Bleh.)

---

On the second day of my summer vacation...oh, drats. Wrong record. (And if you remember that record, ho brah, you old! Even fo' remember what a record is! Hehe.)

Anyway. I knew that MW Restaurant was now doing $5 small plates menus from 2-5PM. And I've been reminded several times that I should go. Well, I got an invite to try. It's food. At MW. Okay! Hey, what happened to not spontaneous? Hmm.

2pm. I go a little early, because parking is my nemesis. Makes the anxiety meter peg just thinking about it. I even valet, because I hate to find parking. (Da buggah park 3 feet away from me. Ho, slightly futless. But 'ass okay. Smile at da guy, anyway. So he no dent the truck. Even if covered in birdshit.)

Lunch partner shows up. We go in, and are shown our seats. I got the pillar, kinda like my parking at work. And, first time sitting at a table; last 2 times, was at the bars. Stepping up!

Got the menus (3!), and order beverages. She looks at me with disbelieving eyes; I'm not drinking. Yeah, I must be sick in the...somewhere.

Green Tea and Shiso

Chardonnay

Perused the menu. Which is what you have to do, here. Thing about Eurasion food, things are not always what they seem. "That looks good! I think." Check the ingridements; yeah, we can do that. And so on. A thing that made it difficult, for me, was I was HUNGRY. So the stomach wanted EVERYTHING. You know the adage, eyes bigger than the stomach? Fortunately, I wasn't that far gone.

The $5 small plate menu

Got the pickled beet salad off the regular menu. Still good. And actually a good appetizer to wake up the taste buds for what is to follow. It is a pretty intense pickling, so an appropriate beverage pairing is called for.

Pickled Beet Salad

That was quickly followed by the $5 plates. Appetizer-sized. I don't know what you would expect for $5 in a place like this, but I thought it was pretty much in line with the price schedule. Style of food is a matter of taste, but the quality is pretty awesome, no matter what. Fortunately, it was enough for us. Because a dessert was a requirement.

Grilled Waialua Asparagus

Unagi and Butterfish Arancini

Ahi Poke Mandoo

Okay. Fine. 2 desserts. So good. 'nuff said. Okay, maybe one note. I must have made funny face when I  ate the brulee, because she laughed at me. And I didn't care, it was that good!

(Yes, I did blow the candy bar shot. So out of practice. And/Or I was severely distracted by the subject matter. I remember the jitters. Yeah, that's it.)

Meyer Lemon Brulee

MW Candy Bar

We agreed that this was something that we would have to do again. Working through the menu, eventually. But we both are usually working till 4:30PM. May have to coordinate afternoons off...

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The weekend. Nothing special. Normal stuff. So much for that.*sigh*

And so ends this episode. TTFN

Normal

This past Thanksgiving, I celebrated by shaving off the end of my thumb with a peeler. Just enough to get below all the skin.

Blood everywhere, but I could staunch the bleeding myself, so no trip to E.R.

But that's not what I'm here about. You see, the section of thumb I lost was rather insignificant, size-wise. Bleeding stopped, life goes on. Right?

Sort of. I no longer have any padding there; the nerves are unprotected. That insignificant little piece of thumb just happened to be where I pick out DVDs from the player. The pressure point when tightening laces. The point where the band sits when tying up my hair. The point that bumps against the dashboard when turning the ignition, or releasing the parking brake. The running point when putting on my underwear. Oops, TMI?

Anyway, seems everything is important, no matter how insignifant it seems. It plays a role that we only realize when it is gone. Pretty much took my thumb out of commission for awhile. Ever go without a thumb? It was on the right hand. Acute realization how right hand-centric our clothes are. Buttoning and zipping without a right thumb Go ahead and try.

It is scabbing over now, and new padding is slowly growing in. Not nearly as thick as it used to be. That section is still visibly...flat. I am adjusting to life without this formerly insignificant piece of flesh that was once a part of me. And I miss it. Sorry for taking you for granted, little guy. You were important to me.

Can't even imagine what those that lose whole body parts go through. So, belatedly, I am thankful for still being whole. It's a new normal. 

A Happy Thanksgiving 2013!

Ah. I wasn't going to do this

post. Then some things happened that made me rethink that position.

So. I am thankful for my family, and everything that means. That I have a job. That I have a roof over my head, and food in my tummy.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be there for people. And my closest friends.

I am thankful to those that put their lives on the line so that I have the freedom to live as I do, at the possible expense of their own personal freedoms.

And I am thankful to still have my thumb, in spite of myself. So far.

Hope you all had or are having a happy and safe Thanksgiving!

Peace, all.

Oh, Dear. It's almost Thanksgiving...

...and it seems I've disappeared.

Quick catch-up. Nothing is happening. That's actually a good thing, in my case.

Although, one of my sore points is getting freakin' itchy, and I don't think scratching is going to do anything about it. However, I am learning, slowly, bit by bit, to ignore it. Yes, it is still there, but I am learning to deal.

I will probably explode at some point, but that time is not now. Not yet. I have a personal mission that I must see through. Once that is done, whatever happens, happens.

Until then, keep laughing. Right.

I'll think of something to be thankful for, later. Really.

Toodles.

Goals, or the lack thereof

It may be a mid-life crisis. I've told told that by those I love and trust deeply. Not sure how that works, haven't done that before. Hopefully, it only happens once. But I need to dig myself out of this hole I seem to have dug myself into.

During this current period of personal crisis (which is usually a lot smaller than it's made out to be), I've been asked "So, what do you really want to do? Go do that."

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The answer? After some long and deep reflection... I don't know. And thinking back, I don't know if I've ever wanted to do something for myself. My decisions and goals seem to more about where I don't want to be than where I do. Go to college (don't want to be in x job forever. Ironic, that one.). Graduate (Don't want to be in school anymore. Which was probably the easiest period in my adult life.). Get a job (Don't like empty pockets.). Get a different job (Run away from baggage.). Etc.

Even picking food and clothes. Unless there is some pre-determining factor, it becomes a process of elimination. No like this, no like that, I guess I do/get this.

And then, even when I initiate something, it is to enable others. Any self-enabling is a consequence of that. Build a system to let others work. Build a site to enable others to communicate more efficiently. Build processes so others can pick it up and run. Which is pretty tricky when the people it supports run an exception-based system. And when those in inmediate charge don't care

Maybe it's time I sling burgers. Food. Mmm...

---

Yes, it makes me happy when others are made happy, or at least less unhappy, by my labor. Or acquisitions. Especially if it means that they can keep going if I'm not there, for whatever reason. Which is an interesting conundrum, as the immediate need for me diminishes until something breaks. And we really don't want things to break, do we? Which usually happens when you are occupied working on " The Next Best Thing."

Sounds like I am working for accolades, huh? But the quiet "thank you" in passing in the hallway means a lot more to me than some company award/recognition. A "Thank you" hug from friends and loved ones is priceless. Being there for them is what I want. But the powers that wish to take things in other directions are getting in the way.

I guess my place in life is...to support. Assist. Push others to their places. I can live with that.

But I am tired. Need to find another way. Maybe it is time to move on. If I can find a place to land...

---

This post took a while to write. Days. Weeks. So if it looks like a diary entry over time, it is. Like a weblog, sorta. If you got this far down the post, thank you for bearing with me.

Oh, by the way...

In that state of inebriation where there mind is fully aware, but the body is, frankly, pretty floppy. Thanks to mobile technology, I can do this while prone. Haha. C'mon, thumb, don't fail me now...

Thanks to a valued member of my personal support circle, I announced to my employer my egress intentions, including the possibility of leaving said employer. It was difficult, given my age and service. Granted, those plans could change as conditions change. But, at this time, I committed myself to those points that I feel obligated to complete, before moving on. And, I  have yet to determine my career/life path beyond that. 

I promised I would tell my employer the rest of my plans as they solidify, starting with mulling over some offered options, this weekend. Yes, there is some stress involved. I am not yet of retirement age or service, so I am leaving things on the table. 

I have always considered myself a loyal employee. However, I have come to realize I am the beaten dog that keeps returning to its master, and master is is abusing that behavior. No more.

No matter what happens, I have to mention appreciation for those that have given me the strength to take this step. Thank you, very much. At the very least, no matter what happens, I am hoping there will be a shakeup of the way things are being done at this time.

I am but a mote. Yet, even a pebble can make an impression when tossed into a quiet pond. We'll see what happens.

Reconciling "God", Science, and my head

Those who are my "friends" on Facebook may have seen this in my profile:

Faith is a good thing. It has to be; we're still here
A "God" day is longer than most believers think
The big eye in the sky is laughing at us futilely over-inflating our importance in the larger scheme of things

It's a part of my reconciliation regarding what some men call God, and religion in general. At the core of this is, whatever you find in your religious writings, they are written by Men, spoken by Men, based on interpretations of what someone said was told to him/her, passed down orally through generations, finally written down, transcribed and translated many times, into the form that is in front of you that others say is "the Word of God." By Men. Okay, believe what you want. Faith needs something to anchor to, and whatever works for you is fine.

But, before you try to shove your religion in my face, think about this; is my God the same as your God?

Me? My God is probably some mix of all the theologies and philosophies out there, plus some science and a few things I don't know about yet. My God cannot be contained in or explained by a book. My God cannot be jammed into Man's experiences, limitations or constraints. Just because our little brains can't wrap around a concept does not mean it cannot be. We, mankind, are just motes in the universe. We do not know everything, nor will we ever know everything, about anything. There is no impossible, just that we humans are too primitive to understand. At no point will a person ever know so much that they can turn around and truthfully say "I am better than you." The quest to know everything is fine, but the intelligent ones will realize that the more you know, the more you don't, and they will be okay with that. And they will keep trying.

And I don't worship my God. My God doesn't need to be worshiped. God is. Just that. The best way for me to worship my God is...to be Me.

That's my Word. Please respect it. I will respect your right to yours. Have a nice day.

Breathe...

I need to do this. Things that have happened over the last year, things that have happened in the last few months, things that are happening right this minute. Making me kinda nuts. So I need to step back and breathe. Slow down. Assess.

For the most part, I am one that operates best with information. So not a "whatever" person. The less holes in my data banks, the better. Because my head likes to fill those holes with wild imaginings. All the worst things that could happen would happen in my imaginings. Kinda need my steps between "here" and "there" planned out. Okay, maybe not every step. But planned, in any case. Because I really, REALLY dislike having to "make do." I do that, yes, but it annoys me to no end. Because I feel like I failed.

I know, it's not a failure to not get everything. But that is what I am. So, again, the more information I have, the better. I feel like I have my bases covered, and can deal with the 90%.

As it stands, I can only assume I have 50% or less of the information I need to feel kinda comfortable. Lots of "hole" to fill. Feels like I lack control. So I need to step back and breathe. Lots. Slowly. Deeply. Get ahold of what I do control, and hang on tight. But be ready to jump, as reality dictates that the only constant is change. Yeah. Head is screaming again.

Breathing...

A Day of Thanks...

Another year, another day of thanks. After all this time, it would be easy to think of something new to be thankful for. But no one ever said it had to be new...

I am thankful for the family I have.

I am thankful for having real friends.

I am thankful that I still have a mind to think with, and the opportunity to use it.

I am thankful for my health. Yeah.

I am thankful that I still have a job.

I am thankful that this nation has survived another divisive national election, and hasn't torn itself apart over petty things like politics. Yet.
I am thankful that there are people that are still passionate about their country, regardless of how different their beliefs or reasons are.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to express this in a manner that will hopefully reach people's hearts.

I am thankful that I have the opportunity to make a difference.

Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving, America. And have pity on the turkeys; make it quick.

A leap. And some help.

I seem to have lost my senses. Or what little sense I had left. I know I've wanted to move more into film. I also knew that, although less expensive, and lighter, and easier to deal with in general, 35mm film would only take me so far in my "seeing."

To that end, I picked up a 645. A used Mamiya AF, in this case. I can't afford Hasselblad, where I am not sure where I am going to be with MF film thing. Went looking for a Contax, but they seem to be hard to get; something about some famous photographer using it. Oh, and Ken Rockwell mentioned it was his preferred of the 645s, so I guess that makes it gold. So I "settled" on this. But Mamiya is no slouch.

The metering is iffy, literally. The only thing I see on the viewfinder display is the focus indicator. But I had planned to use a handheld meter, anyway, so not an issue. The focusing is slow. And NOISY!!! Sounds like a tank turret coming around to bring its weapon to bear on a squirrel.

 

The important thing here is AF; I have a Mamiya C330 TLR. Works pretty well, even in the hands of a klutz like me. But it's manual focus. Manual focus. In the hands of an old, blind guy. Even with the split-prism, spend too long focusing; the subject falls asleep. But the focus is quiet, and then you trip the shutter...ka-CHUNK! Hehe...

I know. Gear shouldn't matter. But I seem to be stuck. Not only on my butt, but also in my head. I "see" things the same way. Yes, more crutches. I is broken.

So. The thought is, get something that, in MY head, is purpose-built for, say, portrait work. (I know, you can use it for nature/landscape, too! Just don't tell that to my head; it's a S.E.C.R.E.T.). Maybe I'll start to "see" like a portrait photographer. Yeah, keep saying that, haha.

Adventures in camera-owning... onward.

Thoughts...

...to the folks on the East Coast of the U.S., residents and visitors alike. Thoughts to those whose lives have been torn by deaths as a result of this storm. See you all safely on the other end.

Having dodged an albeit small bullet in the Pacific, awareness is heightened. Be safe, all.

Went to a birthday party

A very dear friend's son celebrated his 6th birthday with an all-day picnic. Lovely time. I'm happily exhausted.

It was at a beach park. Got there early enough to greet the sun. Only had a smartphone, so that is what I used. Without eyeballs, so the images were not up to par. But it was pretty amazing to watch, and a reminder of some rather important things. Appreciate what you have, and what is there.

Not right

Tired. But worked up. Body is dozing off, but the mind is racing. Chest hurts, like it's been working extra hard. Odd that I haven't felt the pounding. Have not seen the tunneling effect, but there is the tingle. Hmm, wonder if I missed a dose.

Felt like this before, but not as intense as before. I guess that's a good thing.

I should dose myself down and just wake up "whenevers," but I have a super-early wakeup scheduled. It's a special thing. Assuming I survive the day, I will certainly be toast. I hope.

A Little Introspection

Fulfilled, yet alone. That is where I am at the moment.

That sounds like a Facebook or Twitter post. But this is a web log. This is where these kinds of thought belong.